1 00:00:02,233 --> 00:00:05,233 ♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪ 2 00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:07,496 Yay! 3 00:00:07,830 --> 00:00:08,250 Thank you. 4 00:00:08,283 --> 00:00:10,203 ♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪ 5 00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:11,303 ♪♪ How old--? ♪♪ 6 00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:14,503 Ma, watch it. I still got a wish coming. 7 00:00:16,830 --> 00:00:17,330 Yay! 8 00:00:17,366 --> 00:00:19,296 Darling, it's not how old you are. 9 00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,473 It's how you look. 10 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,230 And you look gorgeous. 11 00:00:22,266 --> 00:00:23,416 Am I right, Max? 12 00:00:23,450 --> 00:00:25,500 Absolutely, Syl. 13 00:00:25,830 --> 00:00:27,330 When I was your age, I was a cow. 14 00:00:28,483 --> 00:00:31,203 That was right after I had her. 15 00:00:31,233 --> 00:00:32,333 Ma, please. 16 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,996 You were stuffing yourself with pastrami 17 00:00:34,330 --> 00:00:35,270 up until the birth. 18 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:37,400 I'm surprised I wasn't born with a pickle in my mouth. 19 00:00:38,416 --> 00:00:42,126 Here you are. As promised, two front-row seats toLes Miserables. 20 00:00:42,166 --> 00:00:43,226 Happy birthday. 21 00:00:43,266 --> 00:00:46,176 Ah, I'm 30, and I'm dating my mother, 22 00:00:46,216 --> 00:00:48,326 and they think they'remiserables. 23 00:00:48,366 --> 00:00:52,146 Miss Fine, some things just get better with age, 24 00:00:52,183 --> 00:00:53,433 like a fine Bordeaux. 25 00:00:53,466 --> 00:00:56,146 Or a nice slab of blue cheese, 26 00:00:56,183 --> 00:00:58,123 getting good and moldy. 27 00:00:58,150 --> 00:00:59,300 Why don't you just stick me 28 00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,483 in the Menorah Village retirement hotel? 29 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,280 Grandma Yetta loves it there. 30 00:01:04,316 --> 00:01:07,196 Grandma Yetta thinks she's in Paris. 31 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:08,373 Oh, my God, oh, my God, 32 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,120 oh, my God. 33 00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,120 Maggie has found religion. 34 00:01:12,150 --> 00:01:13,230 What's the matter, sweetheart? 35 00:01:13,266 --> 00:01:14,376 Cindy told Whitney 36 00:01:14,416 --> 00:01:16,226 that she heard through Mark that Phillip-- 37 00:01:16,266 --> 00:01:17,276 Oh, honey. 38 00:01:17,316 --> 00:01:19,116 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 39 00:01:19,150 --> 00:01:21,160 Hang in, hang in. What is it? What is it? 40 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:23,330 That Phillip Drake is gonna ask me out! 41 00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:24,170 BOTH: Oh, my God! 42 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,660 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 43 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:28,300 Oh, Mags, I'm so happy for you. 44 00:01:28,333 --> 00:01:31,103 Just on the night that my life is ending, 45 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,423 hers is just beginning. 46 00:01:32,450 --> 00:01:35,100 Darling, I have a surprise for you. 47 00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,183 Oh, Ma, please. 48 00:01:36,216 --> 00:01:38,366 You already gave me the Chanel cologne. 49 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,470 Parfum. 50 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,380 And I love it, but you're spoiling me. 51 00:01:43,416 --> 00:01:45,126 My pleasure. Here. 52 00:01:45,166 --> 00:01:48,096 This isn't another membership for Great Expectations? 53 00:01:48,133 --> 00:01:50,103 Nah. I've given up on that. 54 00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:51,273 Think real estate. 55 00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:52,420 Condo? 56 00:01:52,450 --> 00:01:53,470 Smaller. 57 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,830 Time share? 58 00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,266 Smaller. 59 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,400 A cemetery plot? 60 00:02:01,450 --> 00:02:04,120 ♪♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪♪ 61 00:02:04,150 --> 00:02:05,320 ♪♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪♪ 62 00:02:05,350 --> 00:02:07,330 ♪♪ Till her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪♪ 63 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:08,330 ♪♪ In one Of those crushing scenes ♪♪ 64 00:02:08,366 --> 00:02:11,656 ♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪ 65 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,500 ♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪ 66 00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:14,380 ♪♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪♪ 67 00:02:14,416 --> 00:02:16,496 ♪♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪♪ 68 00:02:16,830 --> 00:02:17,280 ♪♪ She was there to sell makeup ♪♪ 69 00:02:17,316 --> 00:02:18,446 ♪♪ But the father saw more ♪♪ 70 00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:20,283 ♪♪ She had style, she had flair ♪♪ 71 00:02:20,316 --> 00:02:21,996 ♪♪ She was there ♪♪ 72 00:02:22,330 --> 00:02:24,350 ♪♪ That's how she became The nanny ♪♪ 73 00:02:24,383 --> 00:02:27,503 ♪♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪♪ 74 00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:29,150 ♪♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪♪ 75 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,003 ♪♪ Now the father Finds her beguiling ♪♪ 76 00:02:31,330 --> 00:02:32,250 ♪♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪♪ 77 00:02:32,283 --> 00:02:33,423 ♪♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪♪ 78 00:02:33,450 --> 00:02:35,160 ♪♪ Such joie de vivre ♪♪ 79 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:36,320 ♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪ 80 00:02:36,350 --> 00:02:39,470 ♪♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪♪ 81 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,320 ♪♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪♪ 82 00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:44,120 ♪♪ The nanny named Fran ♪♪ 83 00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:54,230 Ma, I can't believe 84 00:02:54,266 --> 00:02:57,116 you would buy me a cemetery plot. 85 00:02:57,150 --> 00:03:00,000 I don't even have a good winter coat. 86 00:03:00,330 --> 00:03:02,200 Actually, I bought four plots-- 87 00:03:02,233 --> 00:03:04,233 two for me and your father 88 00:03:04,266 --> 00:03:05,416 and two for you and-- 89 00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:07,200 The lucky guy? 90 00:03:07,233 --> 00:03:09,173 It's gonna happen, knock wood. 91 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:11,170 [GASP] 92 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:12,350 Just kidding. 93 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,130 Ma. 94 00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:18,376 Oh, what a lovely model. 95 00:03:18,416 --> 00:03:21,166 But why do they have a satin lining? 96 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,470 Satin doesn't breathe. 97 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,160 And neither will you. 98 00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:26,480 Meanwhile, a person could drop dead 99 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,370 just waiting to get service around this joint. 100 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,000 You want some blush? 101 00:03:32,330 --> 00:03:34,160 What, I'm gonna get all dolled up 102 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:35,320 for some creepy funeral director? 103 00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:36,420 You never know. 104 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,430 He could turn out to be gorgeous. 105 00:03:38,466 --> 00:03:40,496 Yeah, right. 106 00:03:40,830 --> 00:03:41,450 I'm sure he had a common career choice-- 107 00:03:41,483 --> 00:03:45,833 male model or mortician. 108 00:03:45,116 --> 00:03:46,296 Hi. 109 00:03:49,216 --> 00:03:50,416 Hi. 110 00:03:50,450 --> 00:03:52,660 I'm Steve Mintz. 111 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,320 Sorry to keep you waiting. 112 00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:54,450 That's okay. 113 00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:57,103 In your business, what's the rush? 114 00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:59,833 Hi, Stevie. Hey, Syl. 115 00:03:59,116 --> 00:04:00,446 How you been? Good. 116 00:04:00,483 --> 00:04:02,473 This is my daughter, Fran. 117 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,470 Hi. "Stevie"? You guys know each other? 118 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,100 Oh, we met at a funeral. 119 00:04:08,116 --> 00:04:09,226 At least no one could say 120 00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:11,366 Marcia Silverberg died for nothing. 121 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,370 So you set me up? 122 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,370 These plots were a plot? 123 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,370 Ma, I'm gonna kill you. 124 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,430 Well, at least they won't have far to move me. 125 00:04:20,466 --> 00:04:23,216 Steve, you know those four plots my mother bought? 126 00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:25,830 Oh, sure. The two-for-one sale. 127 00:04:25,116 --> 00:04:26,246 A sale? 128 00:04:26,283 --> 00:04:29,453 Not only are you giving me away, but on markdown? 129 00:04:29,483 --> 00:04:32,103 Only the best for you, darling. 130 00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:35,153 Twenty-five is a very important birthday. 131 00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,120 Anyway, I'd like to return them. 132 00:04:40,150 --> 00:04:41,180 Really? 133 00:04:41,216 --> 00:04:43,096 You haven't even tried them out yet. 134 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:45,323 Look, I'm sure it's a lovely plot, 135 00:04:45,350 --> 00:04:48,660 and I'd look gorgeous in it. 136 00:04:48,100 --> 00:04:49,430 Your husband made some other arrangements? 137 00:04:49,466 --> 00:04:51,446 She doesn't have a husband. 138 00:04:53,350 --> 00:04:55,370 I'm sorry. Did he pass on? 139 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,470 First, he should only pass by. 140 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:02,146 You know, you two have so much in common. 141 00:05:02,183 --> 00:05:05,153 Fran is a licensed cosmetologist, 142 00:05:05,183 --> 00:05:07,283 and Stevie does makeup too. 143 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,280 Ma, you're killing me here. 144 00:05:10,316 --> 00:05:12,326 Don't be embarrassed. 145 00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:13,280 My mother's even worse. 146 00:05:13,316 --> 00:05:14,426 No. Mine is. 147 00:05:14,466 --> 00:05:17,496 No, really. Mine. 148 00:05:17,830 --> 00:05:18,320 This is a picture of Fran 149 00:05:18,350 --> 00:05:22,830 in the third-grade production ofFiddler on the Roof. 150 00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:24,166 Isn't she adorable? 151 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,280 ♪♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker Make me a match ♪♪ 152 00:05:28,316 --> 00:05:31,176 ♪♪ Get outta here ♪♪ 153 00:05:31,216 --> 00:05:33,166 You win. 154 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,220 Look, Fran, I'd be more than happy 155 00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,200 to give you your money back, but, uh, 156 00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:41,453 let me see what I can do for you here, huh? 157 00:05:41,483 --> 00:05:44,123 All right. Dazzle me. 158 00:05:44,150 --> 00:05:45,200 Okay. 159 00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:47,383 I will upgrade you to a mausoleum 160 00:05:47,416 --> 00:05:50,156 with a beautiful sunset view. 161 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,270 Oh, no way. 162 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,160 Then I'd get all the fumes from the Cross-Bronx Expressway, 163 00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:55,230 not to mention the noise. 164 00:05:55,266 --> 00:05:57,996 Well, we've never had any complaints. 165 00:05:58,330 --> 00:05:59,220 Look, Steve, you know, 166 00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:02,270 you do make dying so very attractive, 167 00:06:03,350 --> 00:06:05,470 but, uh, I just don't like to plan 168 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,350 quite so far in advance. 169 00:06:07,383 --> 00:06:10,333 Well, then, uh, how about tonight? 170 00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:12,420 What, and skip old age? 171 00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:16,100 Actually, I was, uh... thinking about dinner. 172 00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:19,163 Oh. Oh, well, that's very flattering. 173 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,220 I just don't know if I'm available. 174 00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,370 ♪♪ How old are you now? ♪♪ 175 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,450 You got something in her size? 176 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,170 Oh, thank you, Fran, 177 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,120 for letting me borrow your clothes. 178 00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:41,000 Oh, that's what women do. 179 00:06:41,330 --> 00:06:44,170 There's one Chanel suit. It travels the globe. 180 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,380 Man, I can't believe I'm going out with Phillip. 181 00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:48,426 I can't believe 182 00:06:48,466 --> 00:06:50,996 I'm going out with Steve. 183 00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:53,400 Phillip is so cool and deep. 184 00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:57,123 Steve keeps people cool and deep. 185 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,280 Doesn't it give you the creeps, 186 00:06:59,316 --> 00:07:01,826 going out with an undertaker? 187 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:05,326 Well, maybe when I was 29, but now that I'm 30, 188 00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,296 I'm a little more, uh... 189 00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:08,383 Desperate? 190 00:07:09,433 --> 00:07:12,133 You want to borrow those clothes, or what? 191 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,300 I hope I'm sophisticated enough 192 00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:16,473 for this coffeehouse. 193 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,470 I mean, I don't even know the difference 194 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,100 between French roast, 195 00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:21,323 mocha java, or Colombian. 196 00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:23,160 Oh, nobody does, 197 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:24,480 unless you're Juan Valdez. 198 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,230 Do yourself a favor-- 199 00:07:28,266 --> 00:07:30,376 just order water, but nothing with bubbles. 200 00:07:30,416 --> 00:07:32,466 It's hard to sound profound when you belch. 201 00:07:34,116 --> 00:07:35,416 Fran, you can't go out. 202 00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:37,300 Who's going to read to me? 203 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,333 Oh, honey, would I leave you 204 00:07:39,366 --> 00:07:40,466 hanging at chapter 37? 205 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,480 Look. I made you a tape. 206 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,500 Scruples-- 207 00:07:44,830 --> 00:07:46,500 A dramatic reading by Fran Fine. 208 00:07:46,830 --> 00:07:47,450 Scruples, 209 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,480 What, we can't both enjoy the story? 210 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:51,470 I edit out the racy parts. 211 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,000 Fran, I need some help with my history paper. 212 00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:56,150 Oh, what kind of help? 213 00:07:56,183 --> 00:07:57,373 Oh, you know, picking out a topic, 214 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,130 doing the research, writing it up, 215 00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:00,396 and, oh, yeah, do you type? 216 00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:02,233 Oh, what's that? What? 217 00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:04,426 I thought I saw a pig fly by. 218 00:08:04,466 --> 00:08:06,126 [DOORBELL RINGS] 219 00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:08,296 Oh, there's my date. Now, don't embarrass me, please. 220 00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:10,333 You all know how difficult this is. 221 00:08:10,366 --> 00:08:12,226 I don't want any corny jokes 222 00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:14,176 about Steve being a funeral director. 223 00:08:14,216 --> 00:08:15,276 We'll try, 224 00:08:15,316 --> 00:08:17,266 but it's quite an undertaking. 225 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,270 We may be getting in over our heads. 226 00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:25,346 Hi, Steve. Hi. 227 00:08:25,383 --> 00:08:27,483 Family, house. Got to go. Bye. 228 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,220 Miss Fine, Miss Fine, where are your manners? 229 00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:33,220 Come on in. Let me fix you a cup of coffin-- 230 00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:34,280 Coffee. Cup of coffee. 231 00:08:34,316 --> 00:08:36,826 Accident. I swear. 232 00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:38,426 You know, I could chaperon for you. 233 00:08:38,466 --> 00:08:40,346 Over my dead body. Oh! 234 00:08:40,383 --> 00:08:44,163 Thank you, thank you. No hands, no hands. 235 00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:55,330 "Trembling with desire, she looked deep in his eyes, 236 00:08:55,366 --> 00:08:58,296 slipped off her negligee, and--" 237 00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:00,503 [GASPS] 238 00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:01,280 "Folded it neatly, brushed her teeth, 239 00:09:01,316 --> 00:09:03,126 and got a good night's sleep." 240 00:09:04,483 --> 00:09:07,273 Gracie, sweetheart, it's almost 10:00. 241 00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:08,470 Why aren't you in bed? 242 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,270 Fran's so good, I can't put her down. 243 00:09:12,233 --> 00:09:13,483 I finished my homework, Dad. 244 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,120 All right. Let's have a listen. 245 00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:17,480 "The civil war. 246 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,170 The causes of the civil war become clear 247 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,230 when we view the United States as a big dysfunctional family." 248 00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,446 Oh, Grace, I've told you 249 00:09:24,483 --> 00:09:27,133 not to do your brother's homework. 250 00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,326 Five bucks is five bucks. 251 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,100 Brighton, you can't just go through life 252 00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:35,223 paying people to do everything for you. 253 00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:38,430 Dad, I've got two words for you-- Niles, Fran. 254 00:09:38,466 --> 00:09:42,366 I've got two words for you-- Military school. 255 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,396 Hey, what did I do? 256 00:09:45,433 --> 00:09:47,183 This is all your fault 257 00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,396 for letting Fran start dating. 258 00:09:48,433 --> 00:09:51,333 You think I should keep her chained up in her room? 259 00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:52,270 Well, yeah. You know, something. 260 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,270 Dad, if you let her go out there and see what it's like, 261 00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,450 she may never come back. 262 00:09:56,483 --> 00:09:59,153 You'd actually miss her, wouldn't you? 263 00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,453 Well, yeah... 264 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,330 You know, because then there'd be no one to do my homework. 265 00:10:04,366 --> 00:10:06,476 Yeah, right. 266 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,000 "And they lived happily ever after. 267 00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:11,180 The end." 268 00:10:11,216 --> 00:10:13,116 Now, tuck yourself in, 269 00:10:13,150 --> 00:10:15,320 and tomorrow we'll start another classic-- 270 00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:19,200 The Valley of the... Barbie Dolls. 271 00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:21,233 Good night, sweetheart. 272 00:10:21,266 --> 00:10:22,476 Good night, Fran. 273 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,000 Uh, don't get so close to the TV. 274 00:10:25,330 --> 00:10:27,200 You'll get cancer. 275 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:31,230 [HUMMING "RULE, BRITANNIA"] 276 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:44,370 Mm. 277 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,480 Ah. Thank you, Niles. 278 00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:51,330 Cigar? 279 00:10:51,366 --> 00:10:53,396 Don't mind if I do. 280 00:10:56,183 --> 00:10:57,283 Ah. 281 00:11:00,116 --> 00:11:02,116 Will there be anything else, sir? 282 00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:05,180 Oh, is that theLondon Times? 283 00:11:06,483 --> 00:11:08,333 Mm. 284 00:11:09,466 --> 00:11:12,266 You know, my pajamas are about your size. 285 00:11:17,450 --> 00:11:19,430 Well, apparently Miss Fine's date 286 00:11:19,466 --> 00:11:21,826 is going very well. 287 00:11:21,116 --> 00:11:22,416 Mm-hmm. 288 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:30,180 Awfully quiet in this house, isn't it? 289 00:11:30,216 --> 00:11:33,996 Really? I hadn't noticed. 290 00:11:34,330 --> 00:11:35,150 So, what do you think 291 00:11:35,183 --> 00:11:37,473 of this nasty business in the Middle East? 292 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,400 It's something I would like to read about... 293 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,153 in my off time, 294 00:11:42,183 --> 00:11:45,383 which technically began at 8. 295 00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:47,426 Right. Yes. 296 00:11:47,466 --> 00:11:50,216 Well, I'll, uh... I'll just, uh-- 297 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,470 If you're at loose ends, sir, 298 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,500 why don't you sort the recycling? 299 00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:56,380 Good idea. 300 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,176 Way to be politically conscious, sir. 301 00:11:59,216 --> 00:12:00,416 Do you realize 302 00:12:00,450 --> 00:12:02,330 how much the children will actually miss Miss Fine 303 00:12:02,366 --> 00:12:04,156 if she were to leave? 304 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:06,300 Good God, man, it's just a first date! 305 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,430 Speaking as one who's off the clock. 306 00:12:10,483 --> 00:12:12,283 Well, you're absolutely right. 307 00:12:12,316 --> 00:12:15,156 First dates are usually a nightmare, aren't they? 308 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,280 Indeed, if mine are any indication. 309 00:12:17,316 --> 00:12:21,326 And after all, he is an undertaker. 310 00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:23,120 I can't see anything between them. 311 00:12:26,266 --> 00:12:29,216 And I can't see anything between them, either. 312 00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,003 Phillip is so intense. 313 00:12:42,330 --> 00:12:43,130 We spent hours discussing 314 00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,346 the nature of consciousness 315 00:12:44,383 --> 00:12:46,003 and whether or not something really exists. 316 00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,000 Like this table. Is it really here, 317 00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:49,400 or is it only here because we see it? 318 00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:51,333 And if we weren't here to see it, 319 00:12:51,660 --> 00:12:52,420 would it disappear? Maggie, sweetheart, 320 00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:55,470 next time you go to a coffeehouse, try decaf. 321 00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:02,250 So, Miss Fine, I take it your date went well. 322 00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:06,283 Well, it was pretty fabulous. 323 00:13:09,216 --> 00:13:10,366 You know, Fran, you've got to get this guy 324 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,450 out of your system. 325 00:13:11,483 --> 00:13:14,183 I mean, I've got midterms coming up. 326 00:13:14,216 --> 00:13:17,226 I've got middle age coming up. I win. 327 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,230 Okay, kids, we should get going. 328 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:23,326 You don't want to be late for school. 329 00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:24,830 I can't wait for lunch. 330 00:13:24,116 --> 00:13:25,196 Phillip invited me 331 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,383 to sit at his table with his friends. 332 00:13:27,416 --> 00:13:30,156 But does Phillip's table really exist? 333 00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,120 And when you show up, will they all disappear? 334 00:13:34,383 --> 00:13:37,353 Well, Niles, it seems that love is in the air. 335 00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,833 Mm. 336 00:13:39,116 --> 00:13:41,316 It's suppose it's time to have that birds-and-bees talk. 337 00:13:41,350 --> 00:13:43,370 I would have thought you'd have done that by now. 338 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,130 Miss Margaret is 14. 339 00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,366 Not Maggie. Oh, don't even say that. 340 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,230 No. I-- I meant Miss Fine. 341 00:13:50,266 --> 00:13:53,226 I suspect she knows, sir. 342 00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:57,346 And if I may be so bold, I'd say she's way ahead of you. 343 00:13:57,383 --> 00:13:59,503 Exactly. That's why I want you, 344 00:13:59,830 --> 00:14:01,230 as the senior member of my domestic staff, 345 00:14:01,266 --> 00:14:04,416 to make Miss Fine aware of the rules of the house. 346 00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:07,253 Well, you know what I'm talking about. 347 00:14:07,283 --> 00:14:09,273 Spell it out for me, sir. 348 00:14:10,366 --> 00:14:12,826 You know, no pets, no loud music, 349 00:14:12,116 --> 00:14:13,416 no boyfriends in her room. 350 00:14:13,450 --> 00:14:15,300 I understand completely. 351 00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:17,103 Oh, good. So you'll tell her? 352 00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,423 No bloody way. 353 00:14:19,433 --> 00:14:21,323 How very disobliging of you. 354 00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:24,330 We never had this problem with the other nannies, did we? 355 00:14:24,366 --> 00:14:26,246 No, sir. Although, if I recall correctly, 356 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,303 Nanny Carpaugh was a handsome woman. 357 00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:30,303 That was probably the sideburns. 358 00:14:31,116 --> 00:14:32,366 BOTH: Ooh! 359 00:14:37,250 --> 00:14:39,480 Good morning, Niles. 360 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,500 Mm-hmm. 361 00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:44,300 Oh, thank you. I am famished. 362 00:14:44,333 --> 00:14:45,453 Napkin? 363 00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:47,383 Well, well. 364 00:14:47,416 --> 00:14:49,246 No barbs? No wisecracks? 365 00:14:49,283 --> 00:14:52,003 Niles, have you been taking butler lessons? 366 00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:55,280 I'm lulling you into a false sense of security. 367 00:14:55,316 --> 00:14:56,476 Where's Maxwell? 368 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,320 He's gone upstairs to discuss with Miss Fine 369 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:02,230 the possibility of having sex in her room. 370 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,830 Miss Fine, do you have a moment? 371 00:15:12,116 --> 00:15:13,296 I hope I'm not intruding. 372 00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:16,103 Sure. Come on in. My house is your house. 373 00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:18,183 Oh, yeah. It is. 374 00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:22,096 Take a load off. 375 00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:23,153 Uh, thank you, 376 00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:24,303 but I'd just as soon stand. 377 00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,423 Oh, well, can you hold this? 378 00:15:28,216 --> 00:15:30,366 I'm just getting ready for my lunch date. 379 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,500 Another date already? 380 00:15:32,830 --> 00:15:34,300 Well, I got to eat. 381 00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,323 This is all very awkward. 382 00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:39,330 I've not had to have this conversation 383 00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:40,270 with the other nannies. 384 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,220 Of course, they weren't nearly as attractive as you. 385 00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,480 Oh, well... 386 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,270 [CLEARS THROAT] 387 00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,220 As master of this house, 388 00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:50,250 there are certain things that I expect. 389 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,453 Oh, Mr. Sheffield. 390 00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:54,283 Maybe I should have read the fine print. 391 00:15:54,316 --> 00:15:56,326 Oh, no, no, Miss Fine. 392 00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:57,280 You're taking this all wrong. 393 00:15:57,316 --> 00:15:58,446 Here. 394 00:15:58,483 --> 00:16:02,163 I need to talk to you about your boyfriend. 395 00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,200 Oh, I wouldn't call him my boyfriend. 396 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,423 Well, he is a boy, and he is your friend. 397 00:16:06,450 --> 00:16:09,180 Mr. Sheffield, are you sure you're in the right room? 398 00:16:09,216 --> 00:16:10,466 I mean, Maggie is two doors down. 399 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,130 No, I've already had this talk with Maggie. 400 00:16:13,166 --> 00:16:15,346 Oh, well, I hope it went better than this. 401 00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:18,663 No. As a matter of fact, it didn't. 402 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,120 Miss Fine, what I'm trying to say is, 403 00:16:20,150 --> 00:16:22,400 if you are intent on having a fling, 404 00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:24,153 then there are certain rules 405 00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:26,483 regarding the proper places for a fling to be flung. 406 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,500 Mm-hmm. 407 00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:29,250 So I take it the previous nannies 408 00:16:29,283 --> 00:16:32,373 never, uh, "flang"? 409 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,270 No. They were not flingers. 410 00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:37,160 Well, let me just clarify this. 411 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,500 We are talking about having sex in my room, 412 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:41,230 are we not? 413 00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,176 Uh, not-- No. Not us. 414 00:16:43,216 --> 00:16:45,126 We already covered that. 415 00:16:45,166 --> 00:16:46,376 I assure you, Mr. Sheffield, 416 00:16:46,416 --> 00:16:48,166 I would never do anything 417 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,320 to set a bad example for the children. 418 00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,480 Well, thank you for that, Miss Fine. 419 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,400 And I appreciate your discretion. 420 00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:58,423 Oh, well, thank you for holding my hair. 421 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:00,280 Oh. Anytime. 422 00:17:00,316 --> 00:17:02,216 If you want, I can return the favor 423 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:03,300 and wash that gray away. 424 00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,503 How long have you had that, anyway? 425 00:17:05,830 --> 00:17:07,170 Oh, it came in about the same time you did. 426 00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:10,433 What a coincidence. 427 00:17:17,330 --> 00:17:18,170 Fran? Be right there. 428 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,500 Oh, no rush. 429 00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,160 No one's going anywhere. 430 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,270 [WHISTLING] 431 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,453 Hi. 432 00:17:40,483 --> 00:17:42,453 Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. 433 00:17:42,483 --> 00:17:45,503 Hi. 434 00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:46,350 Listen, thanks for meeting me here. 435 00:17:46,383 --> 00:17:49,323 I would've picked you up, but the car's being used. 436 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,480 Oh, no problem. No problem. 437 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:52,450 Here. I'll help you close up. 438 00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:56,830 Oh, Steve-a-la! 439 00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,176 Are you sure this is the right place? 440 00:17:58,216 --> 00:17:59,326 Well... 441 00:17:59,366 --> 00:18:03,156 Although this satin lining looks very comfy. 442 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:04,660 You know, 443 00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:05,470 that's what I love about you. 444 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,270 You have got the greatest sense of humor. 445 00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:10,000 Oh, well, so do you. 446 00:18:10,330 --> 00:18:11,250 Yeah? You really think so? 447 00:18:11,283 --> 00:18:13,833 Yeah, considering your chosen profession. 448 00:18:13,116 --> 00:18:15,826 Well, it wasn't actually my choice. 449 00:18:15,116 --> 00:18:16,216 It's a family business 450 00:18:16,250 --> 00:18:18,250 that I just sort of fell into. 451 00:18:18,283 --> 00:18:20,253 Oh, well, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. 452 00:18:20,283 --> 00:18:23,163 It's a very respectable business, 453 00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,400 and it doesn't bother me one bit. 454 00:18:25,433 --> 00:18:27,303 Well, it bothers me. 455 00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:28,433 Fran, I just can't stand 456 00:18:28,466 --> 00:18:30,296 to be around all of this sadness 457 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,433 day in and day out. 458 00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:34,466 Oh, honey, did you make a wrong career choice. 459 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,120 That's why I'm going back to college 460 00:18:36,150 --> 00:18:37,150 to get my degree. 461 00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:39,503 Oh, a professional man. 462 00:18:39,830 --> 00:18:41,500 Nope. Doctor? 463 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:43,500 Nope. Lawyer? 464 00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:44,220 No. 465 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,150 Indian chief? 466 00:18:46,183 --> 00:18:48,353 I'll give you a hint. 467 00:18:53,350 --> 00:18:56,380 You're studying to be Karl Malden? 468 00:18:56,416 --> 00:18:59,416 No. A clown. 469 00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:01,330 Wha--? 470 00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:03,470 Fran, I'm going to clown college. 471 00:19:05,830 --> 00:19:07,370 Oh, Fran, don't you get it? 472 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,120 See, I just want to make people happy. 473 00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:21,403 Oh, Fran, you're not laughing. 474 00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:23,203 I'm laughing. 475 00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:26,333 On the inside, 476 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,400 where it's dry. 477 00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:30,233 All right. Look, look. 478 00:19:30,266 --> 00:19:32,316 I also do balloon animals. 479 00:19:32,350 --> 00:19:35,160 Here. Watch this. 480 00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:42,403 Gee, I hope it's a four-year college. 481 00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:48,326 I hate men. 482 00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:51,830 Well, take a number. Take a spoon. 483 00:19:51,116 --> 00:19:52,296 What are you eating? 484 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:55,373 I guess I'll have my leftover birthday cake. 485 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,350 Isn't that a little old? 486 00:19:57,383 --> 00:20:00,203 What's your point? 487 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,503 I can't believe Phillip. What a phony. 488 00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:05,470 I caught him drooling over some stupid cheerleader. 489 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,370 And after all the coffee you drank for that man. 490 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,300 I thought we had something special. 491 00:20:12,333 --> 00:20:13,483 Been there. 492 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,100 I thought I really knew him. 493 00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:17,333 And there. 494 00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:20,156 And then, out of nowhere, he hits me with this. 495 00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,470 It's like I've had cold water thrown in my face. 496 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,230 I know exactly how you feel. 497 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,400 Picturing yourself married, 498 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:30,183 living in a split-level in Long Island 499 00:20:30,216 --> 00:20:31,326 with three kids 500 00:20:31,366 --> 00:20:34,656 and an El Dorado in the driveway. 501 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,660 No. 502 00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:39,180 But I did have hopes for the weekend. 503 00:20:39,216 --> 00:20:40,276 Hello, ladies. 504 00:20:40,316 --> 00:20:42,366 Ice cream? Cake? 505 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,270 Man trouble? 506 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:47,150 I hate Phillip. I'm never talking to him again. 507 00:20:47,183 --> 00:20:49,223 Miss Margaret, it's Master Phillip. 508 00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:53,330 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 509 00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:54,280 Ah, youth. 510 00:20:55,350 --> 00:20:57,200 You know, Fran, when I'm depressed, 511 00:20:57,233 --> 00:20:59,283 it always makes me feel better 512 00:20:59,316 --> 00:21:00,446 to help other people. 513 00:21:00,483 --> 00:21:02,153 I have an essay 514 00:21:02,183 --> 00:21:04,223 I'd be willing to let you write for me. 515 00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:05,320 Brighton, my darling, 516 00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:08,160 I'm at your beck and call. 517 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:09,430 I'll be home every night. 518 00:21:09,466 --> 00:21:11,166 I have no life. 519 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,180 We're awfully sorry, Miss Fine. 520 00:21:13,216 --> 00:21:15,246 Oh, we sure are. 521 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,470 So, what, uh, what happened? 522 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,250 Did you find dating a mortician 523 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,373 a bit too macabre? 524 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,450 Oh, I did at first, but I got used to the idea, 525 00:21:30,483 --> 00:21:33,253 and then he turns out to be a clown. 526 00:21:33,283 --> 00:21:35,333 How do you mean? 527 00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:37,180 I mean a clown. 528 00:21:37,216 --> 00:21:39,266 In what way? 529 00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,330 The usual way-- 530 00:21:41,366 --> 00:21:44,096 red hair, baggy pants, floppy shoes. 531 00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:46,283 Do I have to draw you a picture? 532 00:21:46,316 --> 00:21:51,216 Oh, to think I came this close to being Mrs. Bozo. 533 00:21:54,330 --> 00:21:57,500 All the world loves a clown. Why can't you? 534 00:21:58,166 --> 00:22:00,326 Twenty-seven guys in one little car? 535 00:22:00,366 --> 00:22:03,166 I can't even stand to share a cab. 536 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,170 Sharing is what marriage is all about. 537 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,420 What are you looking for, anyway? 538 00:22:08,450 --> 00:22:10,380 Ma, I'm not asking for much, 539 00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:13,396 just a guy that doesn't wear as much makeup as I do. 540 00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,253 What are you waiting for? 541 00:22:15,283 --> 00:22:18,383 You think Mr. Right is just gonna walk right up, 542 00:22:18,416 --> 00:22:22,656 knock on your door, and say, "Here I am"? 543 00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:23,130 [KNOCKING] 544 00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:25,326 Ah, there you are. Hello, Sylvia. 545 00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:27,120 Which tie, the yellow or the green? 546 00:22:27,150 --> 00:22:29,000 Green. It goes better with your eyes. 547 00:22:29,330 --> 00:22:30,150 Ah, thanks. 548 00:22:30,183 --> 00:22:33,183 Ma, I just want a guy that I can respect 549 00:22:33,216 --> 00:22:34,446 that respects me. 550 00:22:34,483 --> 00:22:36,173 I'm sorry to bother you again. 551 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,170 It's just, I value your opinion. 552 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,420 Gold or tiger's-eye cuff links? 553 00:22:40,450 --> 00:22:42,230 Gold. Simple. Elegant. 554 00:22:42,266 --> 00:22:44,326 Right. 555 00:22:44,660 --> 00:22:45,270 Who knows, Ma? 556 00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:47,350 I just think maybe someday he'll come along. 557 00:22:47,383 --> 00:22:50,163 Fran, open your eyes. 558 00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:52,130 Life just doesn't work like that. 559 00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:10,246 Look at Ronald McDonald. 560 00:23:10,283 --> 00:23:12,203 He's got his own corporation now. 561 00:23:13,316 --> 00:23:15,116 I'm not gonna spend my nights 562 00:23:15,150 --> 00:23:17,160 polishing big shoes, Ma. 563 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,300 Are you gonna be single your whole life? 564 00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:20,333 Oh, I can just see the wedding. 565 00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:21,280 He'll slip on a banana peel 566 00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:22,346 while walking down the aisle. 567 00:23:22,383 --> 00:23:24,663 Look at the bright side. 568 00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:27,330 Instead of two rings, you'll have three. 569 00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:28,450 [GROANS] 570 00:23:30,216 --> 00:23:33,126 Shut the door, Ma.